Choosing a marriage companion is the most important
decision one will ever make, second only to the decision to serve
the Lord. While many consider marriage a ‘heart’ issue, it is more
importantly a ‘soul’ issue. Many a person’s eternal destiny has been
set due to the choice of the one with whom they decide to spend
their life. Marriage is the closest of all human relationships, and
it behooves all to approach this decision with prayer and much
consideration.
The desire for marriage and companionship is God-given. “It is not
good that the man should be alone…Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they
shall be one flesh.” (Gen 2:18,24) Marriage is a wonderful
institution, ordained of God. Living is richer and fuller with
someone to share the joys and sorrows of life. The grass is a little
greener and the storm a little less intense with a companion by your
side.
Marriage has also proven to be the downfall of many a person and
brought much heartache and grief when the union was outside of the
will of God. It is much better to live single than to rush into
marriage out of a misplaced sense of desperation or carnal desire.
Many a person would like to turn the clock back, but that is not
possible with marriage. Contrary to the practice and teaching of the
world, marriage is a lifetime commitment. Once the vows are said,
the couple is sealed as husband and wife before God until the union
is dissolved by death alone. “For the woman which hath an husband is
bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the
husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then
if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she
shall be called an adulteress… (Romans 7:2-3: reference I Cor. 7:39)
Hence, it is imperative that the decision of whom to marry is
approached with caution and wisdom.
Some things in the scripture are spelled out and are just a matter
of obedience on our part. There are other things in which God gives
mankind some direction but also leeway due to personal preference
and desire. Marriage is one such issue. While God has a plan for
each of our lives, God will never force someone to marry or not
marry. He has given us some freedom of choice in this area.
Choosing the ‘right’ person to marry can be confusing and a time of
uncertainty often ensues. There is no exact science or formula to
follow to find that ‘perfect’ soul mate. There is no assurance, in
any case, that the person one marries will bring marital bliss. But
there are Biblical guidelines, sound principles, and some basic
prerequisites that must be followed for a marriage to be in the
order of the Lord and to set the foundation for a successful, godly
home.
Before an individual even considers marriage, he or she should be
saved with a good solid experience with the Lord. If there is
spiritual instability, so will there be instability in the choice of
whom to marry. Most likely, a wrong decision will be made and the
result may not only be a life but an eternity of trouble. It is
paramount that an individual focus first on his or her own
spirituality and be living very close to the Lord.
It is important that marriage is entered into for the right reasons
– God’s will, desire for companionship, and love. The wrong reasons
include the following: everyone else is getting married; there may
not be another chance; to escape dad and mom, on the rebound –
trying to fill an emotional vacuum; financial security; lust; or
marrying due to pressure from parents and peers.
Marriage should be approached with feelings, opinions, and desires
being fully submitted to the will of God. The Holy Spirit will lead
and direct in choosing the one with whom to spend life. If God is
left out of the decision, the choice will be wrong. Sometimes it
would seem easier if the Lord would speak out of the sky saying,
“This is the one for you.” This is not usually the case. We are led
by the Word and by the Spirit. There should be a real sensitivity to
the Holy Spirit. If there is a sense that the Lord is not pleased
with the potential union, it should be stopped until the Lord gives
clarity in the decision. Too many times people make up their minds
and allow their affections to go out to someone, then ask God to
bless the union. By that time, it is hard to really know God’s will
because the feelings and emotions are so strong. It is best to seek
God first. When there is clearness before God, then is the time to
move forward with the potential husband or wife.
The most important relationship is our personal relationship with
Jesus Christ. If He is the most important aspect of our life, then
every decision should center around Him. Marriage is as much a
spiritual union as it is a physical or civil union. A spouse
generally has the largest influence and impact on their husband or
wife. It is for this reason the scripture teaches that marriage
should be in the faith. This is an absolute. If someone is not
saved, they should not even be considered or thought twice about in
the context of dating or marriage. “Be ye not unequally yoked
together with unbelievers… (II Cor. 6:14) While this scripture deals
explicitly with idolaters, it would also apply to that closest of
all human relationships. How can someone profess ultimate love for
God and yet enter into a union with an unbeliever whose values and
beliefs are different? The Old Testament also was very clear in
instructing the children of Israel not to marry men or women of
other nations. Solomon, a man of much wisdom, violated this
commandment, and in his old age his heart was turned away from God
because of his wives. It is a trick of the enemy to think that one
can keep his or her integrity with God and marry outside of the
Faith.
Similarly, just because someone is saved does not make him or her
suitable marriage material. It is so important that the fundamental
doctrines and faith in Christ are the same. Many people have married
‘saved’ men or women of other groups, movements, and faiths. There
is then a pull to worship at times with the group of the spouse.
There may be doctrinal differences and standards of holiness that
are not observed. This can create friction and division in the home.
There must be a union of spirit and faith in a marriage not only for
the married couple but also for the successful raising of the
children. When these are absent, the long-term tendency,
unintentional though it may be, is for a couple to veer toward the
more liberal, compromising lifestyle. This applies as well to people
fellowshipping in the same congregation or group. Just because an
individual attends the same church is no guarantee that he or she is
spiritually stable. A common faith and spiritual stability is
essential to the unity of the home and well being of the soul.
It is important before pursuing a relationship, that the other party
has a good track record of spiritual growth and integrity. Someone
who has recently been saved is not a good person to begin courting.
A lengthy period of stability is important, for many start out for
God, but many fall by the way side. How tragic it is when two people
marry and then one falls quickly away back into sin.
Even after the spiritual criterion has been met, there are also many
other things to consider. One should never marry with the assumption
that the spouse will change or be different after marriage. There
will be growth, change, maturity, and areas in which to improve in
every marriage. But there is no assurance that the change will
always be in the direction one wants or desires. So, if the
potential companion can’t be accepted as he or she is currently, he
or she probably isn’t the appropriate companion. What irritates
before marriage will most likely be compounded after marriage in
daily living. Hence, it is not fair to marry an individual,
expecting him or her to change who he or she is as a person. It is
also important to practically understand that nobody is perfect and
without faults. There is no Bro. or Sis. Perfect out there in the
sense of being without weakness or shortcomings.
Some people are more compatible than others. Compatibility has to do
with the ease of companionship, communication, interests, lifestyle,
ambitions, and goals. Some people are drawn together because of
differences and some because of similarities. There is no right or
wrong here. But there needs to be a strong sense of compatibility
that goes beyond the surface. Honest, open communication on most
subjects is vital before marriage to give insight into each other.
Gaps may be revealed that would hinder a successful marriage. This
is one reason it is important to get to know someone before entering
into any kind of a committed relationship.
Before marriage, there must be a strong element of trust and faith
in each other. If there are questions and issues of trust, the union
will be weak from the onset. There should be a high level of
respect, acceptance and admiration for the potential spouse. If not,
it is either not the right person or the right time for marriage.
When a man considers marrying a woman, he must ask himself if he is
willing and able to love her as Christ loves the church and if he
will put her welfare and interest above his own. A woman must also
be willing and ready to submit to her husband in everything. If
there is not a willingness to observe these biblical principles,
that individual is not ready for marriage. If the intended spouse
does not believe in the Biblical family structure as stated above,
it would not be in the order of the Lord to marry that individual. A
women needs to consider the ability and willingness of the man to
provide for her. The man needs to consider his intended’s
willingness and ability to be a keeper at home as the scripture
teaches.
While there are exceptions to the rule, people are many times like
their parents. So it is wisdom to look at the parents and family of
the potential spouse. A lot can be learned by this kind of
observation. How does the family get along? What is the relationship
between the parents? How does my intended get along with his/her
parents and siblings? If the intended is short-tempered and sharp
with the family, he/she will probably be that way with his or her
companion after marriage.
We are all, to some extent, products of our raising. Hence one needs
to be at peace with the raising and background of the potential
spouse. It is also important to consider that the spouse will not
only be a husband or wife, the spouse will be the mother or father
of the children if the Lord permits children to be born into the
family.
There is wisdom in seeking advice and council from others. A good
place to start is with one’s own parents and spiritual leaders. It
is wise, before entering into any commitment, to talk to those who
know the one in whom you are interested. They may be able to give
sound advice and some perspective to the situation. It is good to go
to the person’s pastor and talk to him. There may be issues that
would be revealed that might make a difference on whether the
relationship is pursued.
Godly council should not be taken lightly or discounted. This is
another reason it is important to give consideration to all of these
things before allowing one’s affections to go out. Very few people
take contrary advice once their heart is set. It is much wiser to
evaluate first, giving the soul and mind preference over the heart.
Once the heart is given, the soul and mind usually get outvoted. It
is best for the heart, soul, and mind to be in one accord. No
individual has the ability to match make and bring about successful,
godly marriages. People need to be very careful about trying to
bring two individuals together. No one should be married because of
the pressure to do so. No one can know better than oneself, in
honesty before God, the one whom is best to marry.
A relationship based on physical attraction alone is doomed for
failure. A pretty or handsome face can lose its glamour real quickly
when there is not grace in time of stress. Marriage should not be
based on the physical nor should it be in spite of the physical.
While outward beauty is vain and fades, there should still be an
attraction. Part of a healthy marriage relationship is the intimacy
that belongs to marriage alone. If there is not an attraction and
draw, there will be problems in that marriage.
While a godly marriage in the will of God is most importantly a
‘soul’ issue, it is also an issue of the heart. For the soul in
marriage cannot be satisfied without the strong love of the heart.
True love is a requirement for a good, strong marriage. Love is that
which brings kindness, gentleness, happiness and joy. It is love
that enables one to sacrifice and give when it hurts. It is love
that draws and binds together in the hard times as well as the good.
Love comes from the heart and words can’t always explain the whys or
wherefores.
Choosing a marriage companion is not always easy, but it should be
committed to God in knowing that God has a plan for all of us.
Single people, young and old alike, should be careful not to rush
into a relationship, but rather, wait on the Lord. Marriage has the
possibility of security, fulfillment, and love, but it also has
potential to wound and destroy.
Marriage is a wonderful institution that God created for the
betterment of humankind. It proves to be a wonderful blessing and
union when it is in the will of God. Marriage should be entered into
with much prayer and consideration – for it is an issue of the soul.
(2/06/2008)
|
